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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Steven Curtis Chapman...

I had no idea that SCC was going to be at Women of Faith this year. When I saw his picture in the brochure I was so excited and called Sean and told him. LOL! I have been following along thru their blog on their journey of healing after the death of sweet Maria. It has been a long, treacherous road but they have walked it with such faith! I am constantly blessed by Marybeth's words and her determination to not allow Maria's death to be in vain but to take the sorrow and use it to further God's work and His kingdom. Their family, each of them, are so firm in their faith and so bonded together as one unit. I love that!

Anyways Steven shared Maria's story briefly and then introduced his sons, Caleb plays guitar and Will Franklin plays drums. How hard that must be to relive that day over and over again but what grace they, especially Will Franklin, show to allow it to be spoken of to bring about healing for others and ultimately, for themselves.

The last song SCC played was "When Love Takes You In". Now I've heard this song a million times and have sung the words over and over. I've seen the video and actually, have the video and watched it countless times while we were pursuing our own adoptions over the years. We've used the video in the adoption classes we taught at church and the song in church to recognize National Adoption Month in November. However, Friday night that song reached deep and touched an area of my life that has been so tender and broken for quite awhile. I wept at God's loving mercy and His tenderness for me even when I least deserve it. You see, I have struggled for quite some time with what to do with my son. I have shared some things on this blog about our struggles with him but honestly, I would never share the real, nitty-gritty of our daily struggles with him. Mainly because it would scare you and second because I wouldn't feel I was being fair to him. All things have 2 sides and I would only be showing you my side. That would show a very unbalanced picture. With that said, let me also say, that the reason this has been so very hard to endure is because I love him. With all that I am.....I love him. I have wanted to "throw in the towel" (disrupt) many, many times. I've reached out to 2 of my dear adoptive blogging buddies for help and wisdom. Of course, Sean and I have spent countless hours in prayer over him and for him and for ourselves! The days cycle. One day could be excruciating and the next wonderful. There is no rhyme or reason and you feel like you are on a constant roller coaster. Everyone else thinks this child is wonderful and here you are struggling to survive. We've read everything we could get our hands on and spent hours researching on the internet for any tips or tidbits to help us help him. We've watched DVD's and talked with others in similar situations. But always, in the back of my mind was that niggling thought of disruption. I'll be honest here and say that when I had a REALLY BAD day that was my knee jerk reaction...disrupt. It was the easy way out or at least it seemed to me at the time. This child has great potential and in fact, we've given him Jeremiah 29:11 as his life verse to encourage him and us when it just seems impossible anything good can come from all of this. BUT then SCC sang "When Love Takes You In" and God used that song to set my feet back on the right path, His path. The words spoke to me in such a powerful way.

I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you're sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in...
Specifically these words....
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold.

God reminded me of all the times He could have "disrupted" my adoption into His family. How many times I've caused Him untold heartache and many times He has wept at my inability to hear His many, many times it would have been easier to "throw in the towel" than to put up with me. He has stuck by me thru it all and I've never heard him say mean things to me (like those that sometimes fly out of my mouth before I can stop them to my son!) I heard His voice and he kept repeating to me "when love takes you in, it takes you in FOREVER". Not until I can't handle you anymore, or until you've frayed my very last nerve, forever. I wept for all that we've walked thru, I wept for all the anger I've bottled up inside because of this son's "issues", I wept for the person I thought I was and have found out I'm not. I wept because He loves me so much and is ever so patient and gentle. And I wept knowing that there is no backdoor for us even though we probably wouldn't have taken it, it was nice thinking it was there. That niggling thought has now been banished and although I'm sure it will try to poke it's way back in (they always do!) I know that it is no longer an option or a thought we are to consider. This child's security in our family is solid no matter what he does, how he acts, words he speaks or doesn't speak, and things he does that he shouldn't. Just like mine God's family. Oh, I am so very thankful for God's faithfulness to me and this weekend I received a deeper glimpse of how great that faithfulness is!
I'm not saying I have this all together, that I have it made.
But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ,
who has so wondrously reached out for me!
Friends, don't get me wrong:
By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this,
but I've got my eye on the goal,
where God is beckoning us onward-to Jesus.
I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
So let's keep focused on that goal,
those of us who want everything God has for us.
If any of you have something else in mind,
something less than total commitment,
God will clear your blurred vision
you'll see it yet!
Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.
Philippians 3: 12-16 (The Message)
Please note: This post is in NO WAY saying disruption is wrong. This post reflects my heart and what we feel God is saying to us. I know that sometimes disruption is the only way for the child and the adoptive families to heal and have a chance at a better life. I'm not sitting in the judgement seat on anyone who has disrupted or is currently thinking thru disruption. I understand and my heart and prayers are with you.


crispy said...

Thanks for being honest about the struggles. I'm sorry it has been hard at times. (((hugs)))

Debbie B said...

Truly a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I've heard that song so many times in so many uses but reading it here that very last line, There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold, that's the one that stood out to me as I read your post.

I just posted about a new site. Not sure if you've heard of Karyn Purvis author of The Connected Child. But I thought I'd pass her new site along incase some of her tips could help.

Tereasa said...

Thank you.

His Hands His Feet Today said...

This was beautiful my friend!!!!
PS... you NEED to come next week!!!!

Beth E. said...

Your sweet comments on my blog and prayers for my family have deeply touched me, especially when I read of the struggles you have faced in your family. Know that I am lifting you and yours in prayer, RIGHT NOW.

Beth E.

somebody said...