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Monday, December 28, 2009

Pondering....

I've been really trying to take time to review this past year, the highs and the lows. It's been an emotional journey for me. I'm not exactly sure when Lisa began to change, but she did. I can't honestly say I like the Lisa I've become but I can say that I am more real, raw even, as I've been literally reduced to rubble and God is slowly rebuilding me block by block. My opinions, beliefs, faith, and theology have gone through a period of transformation. I've questioned who I am, what I believe, and why I am here and have come out on the other side better for it. God hasn't allowed me to sink but instead has sent me the people and what I've needed at just the right time. Life is not a bunch of platitudes, it is gritty, dirty and intense. I never would have chosen to walk this path to find these things out but because of this journey I am learning who I am, what I believe, and why I am here. Most importantly, I am learning that God is for me, not against me, that He will never forsake me or leave me, and that His strength is perfect in my weakness. All things I knew...but now I really know them and believe them with every fiber of my being. 


As I was discussing all that I've learned in the past year Connor popped into the kitchen and said, "you learned alot this year, huh mom?" I looked at him and saw Connor as the tool, the catalyst, for these changes, this growth. "Yes Connor, I have and you have had a large part in that for me." He smiled and went back to playing with his toys. It made me think, yet again, of how God chose this little orphan boy on the other side of the world and brought him to my home not only to rescue him but to rescue me as well. Rescue me from myself. Although this last year has not been very fun for me it was desperately needed for my growth to become more like Him and oh, how I long for that, desire that with all my being.

As I prepare my heart for the coming year and whatever God has in store I know that the Lisa I'm becoming is exactly who He had in mind for me to be. I'm actually looking forward to this new year with expectancy and hope and here's the biggy for me....joy! It's been a long time in coming but I can feel the joy, His joy bubbling up inside of me. It's been a ride but we've survived, thrived even, and our family is intact and strong. I honestly didn't know if that was a possibility amidst all the struggles and issues. But God is good......and faithful.

Father God, thank you for upholding our family and me during this tumultuous year. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of trials and struggles so that I could become a better person. And most importantly, thank you for bringing a little boy into our hearts and home that would become the catalyst for transformed lives, a laying down of ourselves, and a desperate clinging to You and the cross. I will praise you in the storm. I love you.....