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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mixed Emotions...

In just a matter of days Connor will be celebrating his 5th "Gotcha Day" with us. Honestly, my emotions about it are very mixed. On one hand I'm thankful to be celebrating this milestone because it wasn't too long ago I didn't think we'd be celebrating any more "Gotcha Days" with Connor. Thankful that God saw us through and continues to carry us. Thankful that our family is still intact (RAD is hard on the whole family!) Thankful that God has enough belief in us to parent this child. Thankful for those little glimmers of hope we see in him as we journey this path.

On the other hand, I'm sad. Sad for all the loss, heartache, and pain we, as a family, have had to endure because of this disease. Sad that some of our dreams for Connor have had to die because he just won't be able to achieve them bar a miracle from God. Sad that many of our days are tainted with lies, disobedience and aggression from this child. Sad that our bond of trust in him still hasn't been established because of his lies and deceitfulness. Sad that none of this seems to bother him....ever. *Sigh* Welcome to the world of RAD.

I always asked God for a life of adventure and he seriously gave me one. I never know what the day is going to hold and suffice it to say most days are full of surprises. LOL! I won't bore you with the fine details but trust me when I say I often feel like I just spent the day banging my head against a brick wall.

 I love that I have found some other blogging mommas that also have children with RAD because we can commiserate with one another and truly understand where the other is at. So, so important. RAD isolates us and I often feel like an island, so alone.

So, as I look forward to "Gotcha Day" and see Connor so excited because he's been counting down to this day for at least a month, I pause and reflect. I remember how far we've come. I remember the little 2 1/2 year old boy that couldn't even take 2 steps without falling down. I remember the first month at home and how I seriously felt like I was going to go insane. To say he was wild is an understatement! LOL! He walked into doors, fell down steps, and jumped right off the trampoline. Fun times, my friends, fun times. :)

Connor now can walk, run, jump and do all those boy things quite well. He climbs to the tippy top of trees without fear, does flips on the trampoline, and loves to swim underwater. He excels academically and loves to take things apart to see how they work. He has learned manners, how to be kind, and who Jesus is. He has come a long way! That is so encouraging to us. It's when we look ahead, when we think of this journey and how much further we have to go that it becomes overwhelming. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, one day at a time....

I think it's ok for my emotions to be mixed. It's been quite a ride these last 5 years with Connor. Oh boy, has it!  I won't lie and say that I've been the ideal mom for this job because I haven't been. I yell (ALOT!) and cry (ALOT!) and feel so incompetent for this job. I've disciplined in anger, I've put walls around my heart and kept him at a distance because I didn't want to be hurt yet again. I've questioned God, myself and Sean. I've said hurtful things to him and shown my frustration with him too many times. My momma guilt is heavy, trust me on that.

But in saying all that I realize that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. And God did call us to adopt Connor...He called loudly. Sean and I were two naive, greenhorns, totally without any knowledge of RAD and He has walked beside us along this rocky journey. He is equipping us mostly with fortitude to stay the course even when our flesh is crying out to quit. Do you know how hard it is to love someone who constantly lies, hurts, and disobeys?! Well, God does. And He is teaching us how....slowly but surely.

Five years....five years....I want to shout from the rooftops WE MADE IT! But anyone that knows anything about RAD knows how quickly things can change. So...instead of shouting WE MADE IT! I think I'll just spend time on my knees worshipping the One who brought us to this and is carrying us through. And we'll join hands and pray over Connor that God would continue the good work He has started in him and bring it unto completion, in Jesus' name. AMEN!

11 comments:

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Thank you for this heartfelt post. It so goes along with the discussion we've been having in my blog comments (from yesterday's post). I am going to write a short post and link over here, if that's okay.

Laurel :)

Bonnie said...

blessings to you as you walk this hard hard road... may His grace shine on you and give you peace.

Salzwedel Family said...

Thank God for His strength - we certainly couldn't do it alone.

Beth E. said...

Praise God for you and Sean, and praise Him for the work He has done in Connor. Yes, Connor has a long way to go. But, look how far he has come!

I know this journey hasn't been easy - to say the least - but the key is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I admire your strength and faith, my friend.

Congratulations on FIVE years!

Blessings,
Beth

Dana said...

I commented on Mama D.'s blog.. I said I have no advice... and I dont. All I have for you is admiration and encouragement. You are amazing.
Truly amazing.
Praise God for yoU!!!!
Dana

NeeCee said...

Happy Gotcha Day Connor!

I am right there with you, nodding my head as I read your post.

Beth in NC said...

Oh Lisa. I can't imagine. I feel like I fail with my daughter so many times and she is close to PERFECT. She wants to please and is as sweet as sugar.

God bless you on this journey! Look at all of the wonderful changes that have already taken place.

Love,
Beth

Tereasa said...

I hear ya... and I miss ya, too. Lifting Connor up to Jesus every time he comes to mind!

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Anonymous said...

My step son was diagnosed with RAD in the last year. So I know how it feels when they do whatever they can to hurt you. I also have built the walls up so high that nothing can get it. I feel bad for that but at least I know now I am not alone.
The other day my son said to me that he hates us so much that he thinks of things he can do every day to destroy us.
He's almost 16 now and I have been in this battle since he was 4. It's a long long journey..
Keep the faith!

Anonymous said...

sigh. The Easter break which we needed, is also a changed routine. And the battles are raging. So few people, & I am talking professionals, even recognize RAD that at times I have thought I was losing my mind. A friend or two & some family, who have scene it display it's ugly head keep us in prayer and have validated us have made a world of difference for us. We have been dealing with it for a bit more than years. This is my 1st discovery of your blog. A nice thing on after an ugly morning. I am feeling weak & have some bruises that need to heal. I have thought about quitting so many times but my husband, my other 2 children and a wonderful home and life are too valuable and I don't think I could ever find peace or joy should I make that choice to leave. About every two months my son and I have a horrible fight. After the last one, he made such progress. Our conselor said it was because of the letter I wrote to him explaining how deep my love goes for him that no matter how much or how big his distructive behavior becomes, my love will not go away. But because of how much I love him, the hurt that he causes me also goes as deep. Today the hurt goes deep because he went violent. So I am glad I found your post. Somedays it is very lonely in this world. Honestly, I get tired of people telling me how lucky my son is to have us for a family. Yes, he matters and that is why God took him from his birth family. But I don't feel lucky.