It's amazing to me how God is using Samuel in my life. Each child has afforded me the opportunity to lean on Christ more and has also taught me more about myself....some good....some not so good.
Samuel's story is intricate, complicated and full of God's fingerprints!! Not unlike every other adoption and birth story out there. Each child a miracle and perfectly created by a perfect Creator!
His story doesn't start the day we found out about him, or even the day he was born. No, his story starts back in January when God spoke very clearly to my heart that He was bringing us another child. Sean and I had decided after Nolan's adoption that WE WERE DONE!! No more! HA! When people asked us (which was only natural because we had adopted 4 children in 5 years!) when we were adopting again we would laughingly say that if God called us again we would just say no way! Sad, but true. Our hands were full, my plate was overflowing with 3 kids with major needs, an active toddler, 2 teen sons, homeschooling, and helping Sean with his business. BUT GOD!
He clearly spoke to my heart about adopting again. I knew Sean would be a hard sell, an incredibly hard sell. LOL! So, I told God he'd have to tell Sean and confirm it for him too. Then I had to just wait and pray. God also spoke another specific word to my heart at this time too and it tied together with adopting again. I hope to share about that in a future post. :)
Anyways, Sean and God did have a heart to heart and Sean was willing to obey but was still hesitant about it all. That's when God confirmed the word by allowing the second word He gave me to come to fruition very quickly. That sealed the deal and we began the process of "getting ready" for whenever God alerted us to our next child.
Fast forward to Samuel. I found out about him through another blogger (thanks E!!) and not thinking he was "ours" began praying for him. He had already been born and was waiting for someone, anyone to love him. The little's and I prayed for him each day during school and I kept in touch with the agency to find out if he was placed yet. To make an incredibly long story short....he had alot of big strikes against him. His family tree holds potential risks on both sides. It would be a high-risk adoption (aren't they all?!) and all the families that were initially interested backed out. Poor little guy! I choose not to share details because really, it doesn't even matter, to us he is absolutely perfect in every way!! When I heard he was still waiting with no potential interest I began praying earnestly for him and approached Sean with his details. Amazingly, Sean didn't need long to decide. When he heard about Sam's possible risks he listened intently and then he said "the same things said about him were said about each of our other ones as well. He belongs here". For Sean to make an almost instantaneous decision like that you know it had to be all God!! :)
In all honesty, we have kept Sam's history to ourselves and just a very select few. In fact, I just shared with my parents last week all about Sam's story. Not because we are embarrassed by him but because we want him to have the freedom to be whoever he is not what people label him as.
I haven't said too much about his birthmom due to her privacy but I wish I could tell you about her. I only have a handful of times in my life that have truly impacted me deeply and meeting her was one of them. I don't even have words to explain how meeting her touched me to the very core of my being and I will never, ever be the same. She is one of my heroes. I so desperately wanted to bring her home with us to live. I still ask Sean sometimes if we can go back to Kansas and get her. :) I am so thankful we were able to meet her, to love on her just a bit.
Although Samuel is our 7th child, and our 4th newborn, this time around God is using Sam to show me just how He loves me. I've struggled forever with believing God loves me. I know it in my brain but my heart has been slower to "get" it.
Samuel loves, loves, loves to be in my arms. Seriously. Non-stop all day and all night. If I attempt to lay him down elsewhere while he is sleeping within 5 minutes he is awake and yelling his disgust that I would do such a thing to him! LOL! I've become the one armed wonder around here (which is a slight problem now that my one arm is banged up and sore!). When he is upset and crying I tenderly hold him, and whisper my love for him. Often I will just start singing to him because I love him soooo much. I take such delight when he smiles at me and coos at me. We have many conversations. LOL!
Last week God brought to my attention this verse:
Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
It's a perfect representation of how I love my Samuel and God is showing me that's how He loves me! As the years have progressed I've pictured God as someone standing in the corner shaking His head at me and looking at me with annoyance. I mean, really, I could be handling this whole experience with Connor a whole lot better. I lose my temper and my tongue far too often. I've allowed my emotions to get the better of me. I've failed. So, of course, God would be disappointed, angry even that I've messed up this mothering gig so much, right?!
He's showing me how wrong I've been. He's not angry, disappointed or even disgusted with me. He's not in the corner. No, He's beside me and alot of the times, carrying me. He takes great delight in me....in ME! Hard to fathom but so, so true! When I'm frustrated, crying and picking up my heart again after dealing with another of Connor's behaviors, God is there quieting me with His love. Helping me to calm down again. He, in fact, often breaks out in song about me.....ME! I can't tell you what this does to my heart. A new level of healing is happening in me. God is allowing me to understand His love for me by allowing me the precious gift of baby Samuel! He is SO GOOD to me!