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Monday, May 9, 2011

HOLY HUMOR....



**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my  favorite)

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There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the  lady.

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"Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled  the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and  announced to his congregation: "I have good news  and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad  news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in   Pennsylvania   , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the  carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because  attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in  exhaust."

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A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys  and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the  kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the  front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your  quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming."

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The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star  Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

 
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When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache.... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees.....

2 comments:

-stephanie- said...

Love all of these! Hope you had a blessed Mothers Day.

Beth E. said...

I needed a good laugh today...thank you for sharing these! ;-)