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Toxic....

    1tox·ic
     adj \ˈtäk-sik\
    Definition of TOXIC
    1: containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation 
    2: exhibiting symptoms of infection or toxicosis 
    3: extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful 
    God has graciously been pulling back layer after layer of yuck in my life as I deal with the yuck in my sons' life. I'm telling ya....it HURTS!  God gave me a visual of why this is so necessary: when my kids have a splinter in their finger I have to get it out or else it will fester and cause more problems down the road. It hurts them temporarily as I dig and poke but when the toxin is removed from their finger, the healing begins.
    Like an onion, layer after layer is being stripped off and my eyes are being opened to the toxic emotions and feelings that have been festering in my heart. Of course some of them were very telling by my words and actions, but most of them have lurked silently in the depths hidden from view.
    I heard a brief interview on Christian radio with a counselor who was talking about toxic emotions and how they slowly suck our life away. I can attest to that! (see definition #1 above) When we are filled with toxins (caused by ourselves or others) how it festers and our whole bodies are affected. (definition #2 above) And finally, the infection (toxic emotions/feelings) begin infecting others and causing further damage. (#3 above)
    Thank God for His faithfulness to teach us and love us through to the other side...the side of healing and wholeness!! I am just as broken as my son. We both need Jesus.....desperately! I am coming to terms with both of our brokenness and the toxic emotions/feelings we give out and take in. That doesn't mean it's suddenly easy because it truly is not. Hard doesn't even scratch the surface but it is doable because Jesus promises to be my strength and my song. Sometimes, ok honestly, most of the time, I am the only one doing the work. My son isn't capable at this point to identify his toxins and/or what to do about them. We are praying for this step but until then I have to be willing to carry his load and mine. Some days I gladly go forward to do the work needed, other days, I drag my feet and I whine incessantly. That's when God shows me what I look like and I see the mirror image of my son! Another reminder of how much we truly are alike even though we were born in separate parts of the world.   
    Back to that radio interview....she explained how you have to take those toxic emotions/feelings and exchange them. So in my case, the bitterness and resentment I've been holding I need to lay down and ask God to help me instead to see my son with eyes of compassion. Easy to say but harder (in my flesh!) to do especially when said son unleashes his toxins daily, sometimes hourly on me!! BUT, I am trying. I am aware and catch myself before I begin spreading my own toxins in reaction to his. I still mess up...alot...but I am a work in process and am thankful for each and every step on this road to healing...his and mine!

Comments

Tereasa said…
Good post. I'm praying for ya! Look into those sweet little eyes and look for Jesus. Love Jesus in him.
Shonni said…
Ohhhh, this is insightful. I also like what Tereasa said.
I totally get this post....more than I want to. Toxins....YUCK!
Denise said…
I really thought I'd commented on this. I know that I copied it so that I could read it again because it really spoke to me.

Since I have no memory, I also can't remember if I told you that the videos you have at the bottom of your blog are some of my absolute favorites. Honestly, I watch those three videos on a regular basis to help keep me sane! :)
waldenbunch said…
Toxic is such a good word to describe our hurt children, and just as you would in real life you have to take yourself away from the toxins at some points. We have to take that break to open our eyes to the hope that Jesus will wash our children clean from the sin that encompasses them. Hard, hard work but important, life changing moments.

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