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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

S.O.S.

Ok, so here's the deal. I am in distress. I am beyond frustrated. What do I do with this child that thinks rules are just guidelines and that he can disobey or cross them anytime he feels like it with no remorse??!! Of course there is consequences to his choices but even that doesn't seem to faze him. I found said child on top of his dresser this morning playing with some things that were on 2 shelves higher. (There for a reason..thought safe because out of his reach...guess not!) So, the dresser is now removed from his room. This isn't the first time he's gone without a dresser. We removed it before due to him climbing it and trying to jump and hang from his ceiling fan! Then again, due to him smearing his feces on the dresser and his bed and the heater vent too. Yep, good times, I'm telling ya, good times! Is he upset by these consequences? Nope. Not a bit.

Of course, lying continues to hamper every word he speaks and when asked "WHY?" he continues to say, "because I choose to." Again, no remorse, no regret. UGH!!

This child can not enter certain parts of our home without supervision. How awful you think, right?! Not really. It was his choice, not ours. He chose to get into things that did not belong to him. He chose to play with things that could hurt him and others. All sneakily of course. However, he forgets I have the Holy Spirit and I always find out what he's done or is in the process of doing! So why continue doing those things? Why continue lying, sneaking, manipulating? When you always get caught and disciplined? I have NO idea!

Goodness, I'm just at the end of the rope. God has been so faithful to knot this rope and keep us hanging on (even if only by our fingertips!) but if I'm honest, I don't WANT to do it anymore! It hurts! It's frustrating. It's humiliating. Just being raw here. Are we stupid? I mean we've been tilling this "field" for 6+ years, sowing in good seed, adding fertilizer, and praying like crazy and yet nothing is growing.....not good "fruit" anyway. Do we just continue and hope for the best? Is there a better place for this child? Do we ever say Enough?!

Just to clarify....this child has been loved, trained, nurtured, prayed over, prayed for, encouraged, disciplined, blessed and fought for in Spiritual Battles many, many times! Are we not doing enough? I just wish there were some easy answers. Heck, any answers would be nice! It's like beating your head against a wall every day for 6+ years. :(

Sean is always quick to remind me of missionaries and the lives they live and sometimes give for the cause of Christ. Their lives are far from easy...so who am I to complain about this? I get that, I really do but it doesn't help lighten the burdens of my day. Do I expect to live life with no struggles, chaos or pain? Absolutely not. But the continuity of these struggles for all these years (with no end in sight) wears on the body...and the soul. Do I love God? With all I am. Do I trust God? Yes (said with hesitancy - I told you I was being raw here!) I wrestle with the fact that God COULD heal this child or at least heal him a little bit so the behaviors weren't so intense and thus 'lighten our loads' a bit, but He hasn't. And oh how that hurts.

I read the Word (I HAVE to or I'd never of survived this long!), I pray, we pray, we read the Word as a family, we try to live our lives to glorify and reflect Christ. This child, his behaviors, is all consuming. Seriously. I wake up at night and begin praying for strength for the next day. Our "date night" conversation normally ends up discussing this child and what we are going to try next. My days usually begin in a showdown and end the same way with lots of mini-wars in between. Just wearily shaking my head in frustration and heartache and crying out to God to rescue me.


S.O.S.......S.O.S.......S.O.S.......

8 comments:

Debbie said...

I have no experience so all I can offer is my continued prayers.
But a blogger recently shared her journey with their son. Check out her post. http://www.ranchforkids.org/
They did end up finding their son a new home but first they tried this ranch for children adopted and having difficulties. http://www.ranchforkids.org/
I don't know if any of that is an answer but maybe having another mom that's been there too will help. Although I'm sure you already have that.
Lifting you up and praying for strength and healing.

Debbie said...

Opps, the blog is http://peaseadoption.blogspot.com/

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

PRAYING for you sister in Christ!! It is hard when they laugh at the consequences, and then turn around to do it again....although usually worse this time. UGH!!!

We do the basic plan....does it always work- NO WAY! Does it help with my sanity- YES!

LIFTING YOU UP!!!!!!!!!

Shonni said...

I am so sorry, and pray that the LORD leads you to the encouragement that you need.

Acceptance with Joy said...

OH, I KNOW how that feels to do everything you know to do with zero returns for all the efforts. I'm sorry. I am praying for you.

I communicate with a few moms who "get" this pain.

The Lord give you wisdom and strength.

VandD said...

Praying for you!

Have you ever heard of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)? This all honestly sounds just like it.

www.watchingthewaters.com is a good blog about a lady and her RAD children.

Corey said...

Come over for coffee. Any time. You are not alone.

The Lowe Family said...

Praying for you and your child.