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Monday, October 8, 2012

This Journey of Life....

Whew! It's been awhile since I've posted here. Trust me, it's not because I haven't had anything to say! :) However, I've really felt the need to set aside my computer time and just live. It's amazing how quickly "just a minute" on the computer morphs into an hour later. Don't get me wrong, I love having the ability to learn and grow right at my fingertips but I was just feeling a pulling in my spirit that I knew it was time to lay it down for awhile.

It's funny how I always said I don't have enough time in the day but yet I always carved out time to check email and my favorite blogs and yet, some days, my Bible laid unopened and unread. :( So not good! I know that this journey of life, at least in my house, is intense. I have many small children with many needs and not enough of me to go around. Some days I feel like my head has been through a grinder and other days I feel like I'm on top of the world. We continue to deal with issues and situations that I wish, oh my, I soooooo wish were gone but they are not. I have to constantly remind myself (and I fail more times than not!) that these children are God's good gifts to me and that my perspective needs to change and become His. So very hard when I continue to wade through the junk that comes from the trauma of their past. Some days I am hopeful.... I can see progress, steps forward, a healing of sorts. Other days.....I doubt myself, question God, and want to be in Tahiti instead! I struggle with getting my brain around some of these on-going behaviors and I just want them fixed and gone. Sean reminds me that might not be God's plan. It's very possible this child will not ever be fixed, these problems might not be gone, even when he's 25! And then I cringe...and doubt God's love for me (why would He do this to me?!) and then I hear Him whispering to my soul....."Trust Me. I've got your back. I have a plan. I know it's hard. I know you don't "get it" but that's where faith and trust intersect. Lisa, trust Me. I love you. I am with you through it all". That's when I knew I needed to press in to Christ more. I needed to take any and every free and available minute in my day to seek His face. I can not do this without Him. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He carries me each and every day and I can't thank Him enough for it! He truly is ALL I need.

But, honestly, I wasn't living like that. Instead, I'd take time on the computer catching up on everyone else's lives, pitying myself because their life looks happier, their children better behaved, etc. and that's when the doubt, anger and questions would rear their ugly heads towards God. Why me Lord? What were you thinking? Don't You love me like You love them? Pushing me further from the very One I needed most. Fasting from the computer has helped put things back into focus and has realigned me with God's plan and purpose for me.  I'm still not fixed, and like my child above, I may never be this side of Heaven, but I am sure going to keep on trying to be the best me He created. :)

4 comments:

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

Oh sister! I get that feeling way too much! How come everyone else is doing so good, and I TOTALLY WANT TO JOIN YOU IN TAHITI!!! UGH!

That is why I have stepped back a little more lately too. Pressing into God is much much better!

Praying for our lost little sheep to truly find healing! Never stop praying!!!

Marty Walden said...

Good for you for stepping away! I love blogging and connecting and all the wonderful ways the computer blesses, but it can become an obsession so easily. Thank you for sharing your heart today.

Marty Walden said...

Good for you for stepping away! I love blogging and connecting and all the wonderful ways the computer blesses, but it can become an obsession so easily. Thank you for sharing your heart today.

Denise said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Lisa! I haven't been on here as much recently, either, but I am so glad I read this. I can relate to so much of it, especially the Tahiti part! ;) I do struggle with balance, though. I feel isolated much of the time and want to connect with others who are in similar situations, but it's soooo easy to fall into self-pity and comparisons. When I do that, my focus is in the wrong place! Keeping you in my prayers, Lisa...