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Friday, April 26, 2013

I Don't Know What You're Doing...

Lately, I find myself in a cloud of confusion. Random thoughts, fears and questions careen around in my mind causing me to re-evaluate everything. Many a night I lay awake, desperate for sleep, but none comes. My mind is busy solving the world's problems and no matter how many times I try to close my eyes my mind can not be quieted....that is until I use the one tool that changes everything...prayer! Prayer assuages my fears, my doubts and my confusion and suddenly I am awakening to the morning light and a little boy clambering over me wanting some breakfast. :) 

See, the thing is, I could list lots of areas that cause my heart to race in a not-so-good way I'm sure you can too. However, one area that causes me real trepidation is raising up a child who rebels against all that I hold dear. To say this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to walk through would be an understatement. Actually, up until 2 months ago it, by far, hands down, has been the most difficult, gut-wrenching thing I've had to go through but then I lost my father-in-law and that has been harder on a much different level. 

Unless you have raised or are raising a child with severe behavioral challenges you can not possibly understand what a day in my life is like and I'm so thankful for you that you don't! No day is the same except that it is the same...the same deceitfulness, disobedience and the like, just packaged differently. LOL! 

I often tell the Lord, "I have no idea why or what You are doing but I trust You". Somedays it's easier to voice that than others. Many days you will find me shake my head in bewilderment and saying "I just don't know" out of sheer frustration. You know that quote by Albert Eistein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" I live that, not by my choice but by the choices and actions of my child! UGH!  

Today, I was able to get away for a brief time (had to take Samuel to the doctors early am) and was able to refocus and prepare for another day in this battle. It helped. But what helps me most of all is knowing that although I have no idea what God is doing through all of this I know who He is and I trust Him with it all. His plans for me, for my child are good. I hold to that with dear life!

Here's a video that speaks to that truth....JJ Heller is one of my favorite songwriters.  Hope it speaks to your heart, no matter what battle you are in!


acceptance with joy said...

Sitting here in the night praying for you. I do know what kind of hard you are talking about... I think that kind of hard is slowly receding for me, but I know that it doesn't always work out that way for everyone. I am sorry your child is still struggling so much.

Have you heard of neurological reorganization? It's something I've been looking into for my kiddos and have heard good things about.

Denise said...

I love what you said about it being the same thing day in and day out, in a different package. So true. We've said the definitely of insanity quote many times at our house!

For health reasons, I'm supposed to get rid of the stress in my life. (I can hear you laughing!) The stress is there and there is no way that I can control it. Unless people live this, they can't understand it. I can choose how I react to it, but it's still there.

I adore JJ Heller, and her songs just get better and better. I listen to this one over and over because it's the only thing that makes sense some days!

A friend posted this on FB today, and I thought of you.

"God, I love You. I don’t love this situation. But I love You. Therefore, I have everything I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk through until I get to the other side of this.” ~Lisa TerKeurst

Keeping you in my prayers, my friend!

Denise said...

I meant to say "definition of insanity." My poor brain is only half functioning these days! ;)

Mama Ds Dozen said...

I, too, understand this kind of HARD.

If you want a little glimpse of HOPE, pop over to my blog. While I know we still have a very loooong road of healing ahead of us, the Lord has definitely begun a MIRACLE in the heart of our Little Miss.

Praying that you will get a glimpse of hope for your son, soon, as well.