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Friday, June 13, 2014

Another "Gotcha Day" under our belt...

Today marks Connor's 8th "Gotcha Day". 
 (The day we met him for the first time and he became one of us).  
As I went back through my pictures my heart bounced between joy and sorrow.  I always try to be as real and open as I can be so I won't sugarcoat things today.  As I look through my pictures Connor looks happy, content, joyful even. 
He has always been photogenic and my older son, Ryan, a budding photographer, loved dressing Connor up and taking his picture to practice and hone his skills with photography. :) 
Those two were best buds until Ryan left for the Army. :( 

Ryan and Zack are such great big brothers and when they lived here at home were HUGE helps to me in dealing with Connor and his behaviors. 
Unfortunately, what most people do not see behind that charming smile are behaviors that rock our world....daily. 
It's been a LONG 8 years. LOL! 
In fact, I had to double check how long he'd been home because it feels alot longer than 8 years!

BUT.....I do have to share the positives of Connor and why we are still fighting hard to win this battle for him even when it feels like we can' 

Connor is eager to learn academics and he really does well with math and science. He loves to read and will read anything he gets his hands on. He, out of all the littles, will seek out Kyalynn and ask her to play a game or will willingly join into her make-believe world and play Jake and the Neverland Pirates with her. :)
 He always says "good morning Kyalynn" to her first thing and if he is a tad bit late in saying it she will remind him to say it. LOL!  
On one hand he could care less about his family but then on the other hand he seems to care deeply for his family. It's hard to understand and explain! 

In todays world people say "I love you" too easily. I have been to the other side (many times!) and love is NOT a feeling, it's not warm and fuzzy, it's not easily given or taken away. Love, true love, is deep. It's persistent. It's committed. It's tough. It's hopeful. It's a warrior. It's willing to go into battle over and over and over again for someone. 

Parenting Connor has taught me what desperation feels like.
 I desperately need Christ to show up each day in a big way! 
It's also taught me how to cling, really cling to His promises 'cuz sometimes that's all I have to go on.
 I am learning, albeit slowly, how to truly, deeply love in spite of the behaviors. 
After all, in hindsight, I'm not much different than Connor. 
Sadly, I continue to repeat the same sins of anger, doubt, fear, lashing out with my words, and wanting to give up daily.
 Just as Connor continues to repeat behaviors and sins that consume our days and cause me to feel validated in my anger am I not doing the same thing with my Father, God?!

 But yet, He doesn't get angry with me or feel like giving up on me....EVER! 
This then is what I am striving for not only for Connor's sake but my own. To be a better mom to my boy with larger than life issues/behaviors so that he can see Jesus in me and want to know HIM more!! 

Please Lord, help.....


Denise said...

I read this when you wrote it but was too choked up to respond. I understand the desperation all too well, and the knowledge that I cannot do this alone. I love your realness; it lets me know that you're human and that I'm not the only one living this. To look at Connor's pictures with his beautiful smile, no one would imagine the behaviors that I know exist, and it's the same thing with my little cutie. I admire you so much, Lisa, and I pray for you. You are amazing!