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Saturday, February 2, 2008

Light at the end of the tunnel

The last 2 weeks have been incredibly hard for a variety of reasons. My uncles' death was the beginning and it has spiraled down from there. Sean and I discussed, again, last night what we should be learning through all of this. What is God teaching us? What does He want us to learn because we definately want to learn it this time around, this is one lesson we don't want to repeat!

I'm not sure if I can put it into words, but I will try. I have always been a big proponent for life and the value of it. In high school I wrote a report and gave a speech about Euthanasia (basically, pulling the plug and ending the life of a critically ill or disabled person) At that time it was widespread in Denmark but unheard of in America. Boy, times change! Even as a teenager I knew people had value and deserved to live even if society deemed them worthless. Funny how God used that to prepare my heart for our special needs children. I've always been against abortion and years ago, a lady from our church mentioned how that's great to stand for pro-life but as Christians we need to stand in the gap and adopt these babies that the mothers don't abort. You can't just have lip need to do something too! That seed she planted in my heart has been germinating and growing since then.

As you know, God has asked us to adopt again. We are walking in obedience to that call but I must be totally honest here and say this has been incredibly hard for me to "get behind". On so many levels it just doesn't make sense. The biggy is financially but there is also the tremendous amount of time, energy and effort our 3 littlest ones take and adding a baby to that mixture seems crazy! Our other adoptions were much different for me. The feelings, emotions, excitement.... This time, my feelings have been cautious, fearful, and waffling back and forth between should we do this? Will God be angry if we don't? I have wrestled with why I'm feeling this way but hadn't been able to put my finger on it until last night. Control! Lisa is not in control here, not even an eensy, weensy bit. I know that's a good thing but boy is it scary! After the scare with Gabriella, the last thing I wanted to think about was a newborn baby and all the potential scares that could the other item I need to deal with is FEAR! Satan knows where my weak spots are and he is quick to hit me where it hurts.

I made a commitment to God this year that I would surrender ALL of me to Him. That means my control, my fears, my dreams. I thought I was doing pretty good with this until Gabriella put me to the test. Was I willing to surrender my daughter to Him? Obviously, I wasn't in control there and was I able to be ok with that? No matter the outcome? Would God still be on the throne even in the midst of tragic loss? My faith has been stretched and stretched again in these weeks. I've heard of incredible pain as several bloggers have lost spouses and children in the last week. To watch their faith as they walk through these tragedies has increased mine. Again, the value of life has been seared into my heart and mind.

Nothing matters but God! We are nothing without Him. When I pass from this world into the arms of Jesus I want to be remembered for how I loved, how I gave, how I served, how I surrendered to God my all. My legacy will not be my stuff. My legacy, my heritage will be my precious children, their children, generation after generation.

The lesson is still murky but as we continue to process it becomes a bit more clearer. I'm so glad He's patient with me! God is at the steering wheel and although the ride becomes twisty and turny sometimes the end stop is worth it all! So we will just buckle our seatbelts and hang on because Christianity + Obedience = Adventure!!

I take a deep breath and say bring it on God. Hey, why not twins?! Just kidding God, just kidding!!